The Intelligent EyeCritique Servicefor Writers |
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Cleaner Pages and Better WritingThe Intelligent Eye Critique Service for Writers began as a way to help aspiring writers to obtain feedback about their writing. For ten years, the service was sponsored by the Florida First Coast Writers' Festival Inc., a non-profit group that helped to put on the annual Writers' Festival in conjunction with Florida Community College at Jacksonville (FCCJ). Festival-goers began wailing, "Isn't there anyone who can look at my manuscript?" So we created the Intelligent Eye Critique Service and saw that it was good. For several years now, a good friend of the Writers' Festival, the North Florida Writers, has been sponsoring the critique service. However, the Intelligent Eye will continue to strive to help writers of fiction and non-fiction. For ten years, we served new writers who simply needed someone to check out their copy. Writers who looked our way found a service that did not exist just to coax checks of $1,000 to $2,000 from them. We encourage you to do a comparison check of other editing and
critiquing services. You will find that the rates of the Intelligent Eye
Critique Service for Writers are among the lowest around. What we will do The Intelligent Eyeballers can help you with your novel, your collection of short stories, your non-fiction (history, memoirs, collection of essays, etc.). The Intelligent Eye will identify weak areas in story lines, locate many grammatical problems, spot inconsistencies in point of view, detail, voice, tone, etc. We both mark on the manuscript itself and provide a written critique. We will also point out where your manuscript is strongest. You will need to include a copy of a manuscript that we can mark up. .
.and return to you if you have included sufficient return postage. What we will not attempt to do The Intelligent Eye does mark many grammatical errors, but it will not try to correct every grammatical problem in your manuscript. For example, if we spot a misspelling, such as "accomodate," we will insert the extra "m" the first couple of times we see it, but then perhaps just circle a later "accomodate." We assume you will then do a search and correct the word throughout. We cannot promise to make a manuscript publishable. You may have written a fine "literary" novel or collection of stories, but you may find that agents and editors are stuck in a "commercial" mode and aren't interested in something that is merely "literary." You may even have a topic that has very limited appeal; perhaps you have a memoir that would only interest your friends and neighbors. We cannot promise that your manuscript will win a prize. We are not ghost-writers, typists of handwritten manuscripts, or
agents. If you are in need of those services, we may be able to suggest
someone or some firm, but you will NOT have to worry about our receiving a
referral fee. What is the track record Not only would a business have charged a lot more than we have in the past, a business would also have tracked the publication record of its clients more vigorously than we have done. Nonetheless, past users of the Intelligent Eye have expressed their thanks for our service. Some of their manuscripts have been published: THE WAR EXPLOITS OF THE USS FLASHER, a history of the World War II submarine by William McCants AN AMERICAN BEACH FOR AFRICAN AMERICANS, a history of Northeast Florida's only beach community for blacks, by Marsha Dean Phelts; published by the University Press of Florida THE FALDETTA, a novel by Pauline Furey POTTER JUNCTION, a novel by Lewis Thomas (also winner of a Midwest novel contest) . . .and other works, including computer workbooks for college classes,
scripts for audio tapes of horror tales, privately published or bound
memoirs, etc. RATES FOR PROSE (wpp = words per page)
For longer manuscripts, say, 110,000 words, just double the basic figure: 110 = $220 (440 pp @ 250 wpp; 367 pp @ 300 wpp); hence, 300,000 words would be $600 (1200 pp @ 250 wpp; 1,000 pp @ 300 wpp). Make out your check or money order to WRITERS. (See mailing address
below.) How does the Intelligent Eye compare "Ouch," you may be saying to yourself. "Isn't there a Dollar Store for Writers?" Yes, and the Dollar Store for Writers is made up of your friends and family members, who may give you wonderful strokes but little practical advice. You will need an objective and intelligent perspective. As you check the internet for other editing services, you will often find these prices: 50,000 words = $300 ($25 per hour) 60,000 words = $360 ($25 p/hr) 70,000 words = $420 ($25 p/hr) 80,000 words = $480 ($25 p/hr) 90,000 words = $540 ($25 p/hr) 100,000 words = $600 ($25 p/hr) 300,000 words = $1,800 ($25 p/hr) Since 80,000 words is a common length for fiction manuscripts, you will
notice that the Intelligent Eye offers a $320 savings. Isn't there a way to spend NOTHING Is it possible for you to get your manuscript read by a sharp and insightful reader for NOTHING? Hmm, that does run up against the adage, "There's no such thing as a free lunch." You could join, or form, a writers' group (dues possibly $15 to $25 a year), then drive the 10-30 miles to each meeting (with mileage being, say, 30 cents per mile), and perhaps photocopy each chapter that is read (10-15 cents a page). If your manuscript has 20 chapters, then that's 20 meetings. . .or almost two years. If the group restricts the number of pages to, say, five or eight pages, then -- Hmm, there really is no such thing as a free lunch. Who are the Intelligent Eyeballers? Our policy has been to keep the Intelligent Eye service as objective as possible. A manuscript will need to stand on its own merits when it reaches the desk of an editor or agent. So we usually haven't identified specific critiquers (though often that becomes evident, as when an enthusiastic critiquer includes a personal note with a manuscript). Nonetheless, some wearers of the glasses of the Intelligent Eye have included the following: Howard Denson -- editor of THE STATE STREET REVIEW, THE ELECTRONIC WRITE STUFF, THE PENCHANT, THE INTERNATIONAL JOURNAL OF ELVISOLOGY AND THE ELVISIAN ERA, KASSANDRA'S KITCHEN; journalist, freelancer; published poet; writer of novels and long-time novel contest judge J. S. Denson -- freelancer and newsletter editor Brian Hale -- poet, short fiction writer, editor of THE STATE STREET REVIEW, novel judge Laura Haywood (deceased) -- poet, short fiction writer, playwright, novelist, editor of anthologies (with Isaac Asimov) John Hunt -- poet, short fiction writer, editor of THE STATE STREET REVIEW, novel judge Frank Green -- founder of the Bard Society, the longest-running writers' workshop in Northeast Florida; short fiction writer and poet Mary Sue Koeppel -- retired editor of KALLIOPE, poet, textbook writer, memoirist Rachel Stephenson -- freelancer and newsletter editor We try to match a writer's subject matter with a judge who is
sympathetic. |
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Test your knowledgeof grammar and styleWhat did the writer SAY in the following sentences? And what did the writer MEAN to say? See if you would change anything, and then check the Intelligent Eye's assessment in the "answer" section. 1. Having soured in the refrigerator, Mrs. Jones poured out the milk. 2. Elton Smith, who is married with nine children, is interested in accident prevention. 3. Janna Phillips became interested in public affairs after a fatal accident in Springfield last February. 4. The possibility of blind people being offered the same car parking facilities as other persons is to be investigated. 5. Police who searched Jack Wilkins' residence on Beach Boulevard found forks and knives belonging to the Jacksonville Electric Association and twenty-three squirrel skins. 6. The main purpose of this survey was to find out what the youth of Dunmore do do, and where they do it, how many nights they do it, and if they find it easy to meet people in town to do it with. 7. Between you and I, I will take the job irregardless of what they offer. 8. The Beatles or Paul Simon were her favorite singers from the Sixties. 9. The James' house is next door to our's. 10. On Tuesday, April sixth, nineteen hundred and ninety-nine, four artists from Birmingham and a photographer from Chicago was in an exhibit at the museum. 11. Sitting next to the fire place, he said, "Join me." Angela sat and refused to look at him. Taking a sip from his drink, he said, "You're still mad, aren't you?" He pretended not to notice when she did not respond. Jiggling the ice in his drink, he said, "Well, if you won't talk to me, then wait on me. Get me a refill." Answers 1. DANGLING MODIFIER: Who or what soured in the refrigerator? "Mrs. Jones poured out the milk that had soured in the refrigerator." 2. WORD CHOICE, PACKING, AND INFORMAL USAGE: The writer shouldn't combine facts just because they would fit into a sentence. A sentence should have a natural flow and the parts should resonate with cause-and-effect. Moreover, never refer to SEX unintentionally since the readers and listeners will giggle. You cannot use "accident" and "nine children" in the same sentence without the readers saying, "Nudge, nudge, wink wink, see what I mean?" We assume the sentence meant to say something like this: "Angelica and Elton Smith, residents of Fairhaven, say they spend most of their time in the emergency room. During the past year, their nine children have had three severe cuts, two broken arms, and numerous sprained ankles and bruises. To head off problems, they have started a neighborhood safety campaign." 3. VAGUE REFERENCE: Is the ghost of Janna Phillips running for public office? Probably not. We suspect that the writer meant to say, "Janna Phillips became interested in public affairs after her best friend was killed in a traffic accident in Springfield last February." 4. EXACT WORD USAGE, WEAK VERB, AWKWARD PASSIVE: Obviously, no agency is going to have blind motorists trying to park in its lots, but the writer may be referring to a drop- and pick up-point. Notice that we have 15 words before we reach the main verb--which turns out to be a vapid "is" followed by a weak passive infinitive, "to be investigated." So, the writer probably meant to say, "The Municipal Safety Committee is investigating ways for the parking lots to provide pick-up and drop-points for the visually handicapped." 5. PUT THE PARTS TOGETHER THAT BELONG TOGETHER: What does the JEA own? Did a thief steal forks and knives from a JEA cafeteria AND squirrel skins from the JEA? Probably not. Maybe the squirrel skins simply belonged to the occupant. So perhaps the writer meant to say, "Police searched Jack Wilkins' residence on Beach Boulevard and found forks and knives that had been stolen from the cafeteria of the Jacksonville Electric Association. They also found twenty-three squirrel skins in the dwelling." 6. WINK, WINK, NUDGE-NUDGE AND LAZY WRITING: The writer has pushed the sex button, so he should forget about the reader doing anything other than giggling. Probably the writer was referring to a recreational survey, and a revised sentence could say something like, "The Chamber of Commerce will conduct a survey of the recreational facilities of Dunmore, ranging from movie theaters, to bowling alleys, and athletic fields and parks. The survey will try to see if teenagers are actually using what the town offers and if the town needs to build additional parks." 7. CASE AND ILLITERATE USAGE: Grownups correct children so often when they say "me and Johnny are going to town" that they automatically start saying "Johnny and I," "you and I," etc. "Between" is a preposition, so it requires a pronoun to be in the objective case." You may write "regardless" or "irrespective," but NOT "irregardless." So the writer meant to say, "Between you and me, I will take the job regardless of what they offer." 8. AGREEMENT: If you have a compound subject joined by "or" or "nor," the verb closest to the verb determines the agreement, so you would write, "The Beatles or Paul Simon was her favorite singer from the Sixties" or "Paul Simon or the Beatles were her favorite singers from the Sixties." HOWEVER, you have a sentence correct in agreement, but awkward in construction. Revise the sentence to something like "She still collects records and CDs of the Beatles and Paul Simon, her favorite singers from the Sixties." 9. PLURAL POSSESSIVE AND APOSTROPHE PROBLEMS: If Dick and Jane James are a family, you call them "the Jameses." Next, the personal pronoun does not require an apostrophe: "his," "hers," "theirs," "ours." Therefore, the sentence should say, "The Jameses' house is next door to ours." HOWEVER, many people do not know the rules regarding "James/Jameses/Jameses'" and "Thomas/Thomases/Thomases'." Head off trouble by AVOIDING such constructions. Simply write "the James family" or "the Thomas family." 10. MANUSCRIPT FORM AND AGREEMENT: Although Mrs. Peasbottom may have insisted, "Class, you write out all numbers," she was wrong. In formal writing, you write out SOME numbers, but you use the Arabic numerals for dates, addresses, phone numbers, etc. Notice also that the sentence has a compound subject, joined by "and," so the verb should be plural. Revise the sentence to say: "On Tuesday, April 6, 1999, four artists from Birmingham and a photographer from Chicago were in an exhibit at the museum." Better yet: "[they] exhibited their work at the museum." 11. WEAK "-ING" OPENINGS: Notice that the writer has THREE present
participial openings, with the main verb of the sentences being "said."
Switch it around: "He settled in next to the fire place and said to
Angela, 'Join me.' She sat but refused to look at him. He sipped his
whiskey-sour and said, 'You're still mad, aren't you?' He ignored her lack
of response and jiggled the ice in his glass. 'Well, if you won't talk to
me, then wait on me. Get me a refill." The revision still needs polishing,
but it is an improvement. |
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How to contact the Intelligent EyeE-Mail the Intelligent Eye at hd3nson@hotmail.com or hd3nson@aol.com When mailing your manuscript, send it (and return postage) to Intelligent Eye 1511 Pershing Rd. Jacksonville, FL 32205 904.384.4463 |
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